Time, tide and waiting 🤨 - the Musings of Moko Bi
Hi. You may call me Moko Bi. These are my musings.
So, with the ‘dust’ kinda settling on this new world of pandemic living. I have had to face a choice - keep on living a locked down lifestyle, which serendipitously feeds my closet introverted and germaphobic self or return to a pre- pandemic life by adopting an ignorance is bliss perspective as a coping mechanism.
A middle ground is probably the pragmatic choice in this new pandemic world order, as I work out answers to my rhetorical questions like “is this my best self, living my best life?”
It’s true - Time and tide waits for no one. In a blink, I have descended to the fourth rung of my cal-ladder, into Abεibee (4th month)
There was a downpour on all fools day - probably only the second or third rain in as many months.
I feel the world moving on without me. I feel my immediate environment moving on without me. I can’t say I blame anyone.
I probably would move on from me too, if I could. That’s the thing about mental disease, your witnesses can’t see a physical ailment. So it’s harder to sympathize. And admittedly I am mostly functional, just not very social and physically interactive right now. So most people observe my functionality, and it’s difficult for them to believe I suffer and anguish a great deal about most in person physical transactions.
The truth is I am also fatigued by the immediacy of being hurried to feel better. It’s not like I have an on/off switch I have decided not to use. I feel an aloneness that is so hollow and so quiet that it rings loud to a deafening.
So what happens if a middle ground does not appear. Do I simply get left behind? Am I left alone to figure out things for myself?
The prospect of getting left alone, isn’t exactly unappealing to the closet introvert in me. I am just as tired of the demands of relationships that are most often on the terms of others. After all what makes a healthy mutually beneficial relationship ? - if not the ingredients of common interests and compromise.
All I know now is, I feel very abandoned at times. But I also know I am being illogical. People have to get on with the lives in one way or the other.
I miss the relationships that seem damaged or lost under the weight of two years of pandemic living.
As time continues to tick away, I still experience paralyzing moments that are difficult to get a move on. I have all the best laid plans in my head with supplies to show, but I have numbing inertia, maybe I am plainly afraid to start - for fear of imperfection or failure… so what do I do? I keep planning in my head and adding supplies, because I tell myself I want everything to come together without a hitch and with an avoidance of starts and stops.
“I feel an aloneness that is so hollow and so quiet that it rings loud to a deafening. ”
Ups and downs.
There is a lot I desire to do, I am not always sure I will get a chance to do them. Did I waste my youth?
There was some bright moments for me, but I feel darkness from others maladies.
I took a big step forward venturing out socially and physically. I didn’t feel the arresting forces of my OCD in its pandemic high gear.
But I also suffered a tragic loss of an intimate relation. Moments like these lead me to ponder death and it’s inescapable clutches that everyone will face one day.
My ‘ponderance’ of death is not new, in fact as an 8 or 9 year old, I would lay on the floor in stillness and silence as mimicry of being placed in grave.
Today my thoughts still ponder death - wondering if the fear of death is from 1. a perceived painful physical manifestation of the act of dying itself. 2. a fear of missing out in a world that will no doubt continue without you or 3. the uncertainty of a future form of existence.
Amongst -Sapiens Sapiens, there is a strong focus with death and after life. So much so I happen to think no(not enough) attention is paid on birth and pre life.
We, as -Sapiens Sapiens do have a complex with what happens to us after death - such as do we continue somewhere else and if we do in what form?
But on the contrary I have developed a bit of a fixation on what I call the pre-life. My thoughts are did we exist somewhere or some form before we took on this earth life form (after a biological conception and physical birth)?
I am just saying, if it’s rational to think of an after life, then it’s not illogical to think of a pre-life.
But hey, that’s a whole other muse!